NOT A LANGUAGE BARRIER, MY COLLOQUIAL MISHAP

Hello Hi,

I wrote a short article which was published in Bella Naija. The title above was the original title and originally, I had a longer story as well but I had to shorten it due to word limits. I know some of you have read it but for those of you who did not, unfortunately due to policy agreement (or whatever it is called, lol), I cannot share it here or elsewhere. So please find the link is below. I also know some people did not feel comfortable posting their comments there, so you can always post them on my blog.

http://www.bellanaija.com/2014/07/17/ugochi-ukah-my-colloquial-mishap/

Henceforth guys, the deal is whenever I write in a column, paper, or another blog etc I will share the link on my blog for that week but other times, I will post my stories here directly (hopefully weekly, except when school gets extremely busy; it almost always is :) ). So next week, I shall have a new story to share with you guys. For now (as today is Sunday), I just want to share few messages that I got from church today during the homily:

• ·         Bodily or worldly pleasures cannot give you happiness, only Jesus can
• ·         The devil tries to deceive/tempt by choking the word of God out of us
• ·         It’s okay to possess money or possession but do not let them possess you
• ·         Do not lose faith in God or get discouraged because God is never discouraged with you
• ·         When you come to receive God, allow Him to receive you too
• ·         Only when you come to God will you receive true peace and tranquility 

Thank you always and don't forget to share with your friends, like the page and follow me for more updates (twitter: @vivio_gogo, IG: ugochiukah). Have a lovely week and remain blessed, xx

INSIDE THEIR MINDS...

Hello Hi,

It's been a busy while; school, work.... I have definitely missed writing; I'm beginning to enjoy it more and I hope you enjoy reading them. One of my friends recently said that I love to paint men as villains, lol, au contraire! it just happens that I write better from a feminine perspective (or so I think). Today's story was inspired by a funny true life event; nothing feminist or male-attacking here oh, hee hee. Enjoy and please like the page, share, comment etc. Thanks!

“Allow me to introduce our last but of course not our least speaker, the first and so far, the only Nigerian-born and bred actor to win an Oscar award – Mr. Chuka Madu!” Loud cheers and applause followed as Chuka walked to the stage. The ladies were whistling so loudly; it was incredible. It was obvious that he was very popular although this popularity may have been attributed more to his good looks and the fact that he was single, rather than his acting talent. Regardless of what anyone thought however, he had achieved his dreams and even more, and now to add to his accomplishment, he was standing in front of thousands of people as a guest speaker at a TED; something he had never even dreamed about. He finally began his speech:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I can’t tell you how much of an honour it is for me to be standing here before you today. This has been one of my dreams amidst many others. When I was in my teens, I developed sudden interest in reading books outside my usual school book and my two favourite books were “Rich Dad, Poor dad” by Robert Kiyosaki, and “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho. If you have not read them before, I’d suggest that you do because those books truly inspired me.”

He paused to drink some water from the bottle on the stand; people were nodding vehemently with approval. Looking at the audience, even though he could not see all the faces because of the multitude of people, he could feel their admiration. The room was so quiet that one could hear a pin drop and he could tell that they were all eager to hear his story; of how he made it to the top. This was evident to him at least from the few faces that he could see clearly because the light reserved for him on the stage also shone on their faces. Four of whom were sitting directly opposite him - a middle-aged gentleman with an eager look, a lady in her late twenties with a constant smile on her face, an elderly woman with no expression on her face and a younger lady in red who had tears welling up in her eyes. They looked like they were listening with rapt attentiveness and so he continued his speech even more confidently:

“You know there were times I wish I had the Rich Dad in that book as my real dad. I have always dreamed of making it in life but I never really loved going to school so I knew that I had to do it in a different way. My dad did not support my interest in acting but sometimes, you had to break out before you can achieve your dreams...”

The middle-aged man’s mind: He was truly listening; every word that Chuka was saying made sense to him. He had also once been an inspiring actor but his family did not give their support him; therefore he could completely relate with the speech. If only he had pursued his dreams, he may have been famous by now. However, he had other responsibilities and he needed a steady source of income to send his younger siblings to school unlike Chuka who originally came from a wealthy family. Life was not fair truly...

The “late twenties” lady’s mind: She watched him with admiration; he was exactly her kind of man. His physical build and thick lips, his manner of speaking and his ambience, and of course his wealth. If only she had waited a few more years before marrying, she might have met Chuka and made him fall in love with her. Her friends had persuaded her to marry the middle-aged man next to her saying that he had potentials; potentials that still had not borne any real success to her for the past 2 years they had been married. If not for all the societal pressure – that she was getting old, that all her friends were married and that her family was expecting the same from her; she would not have married him. Now, she had lost a great opportunity...

The elderly woman’s mind: She listened to him in anger. She did not like the way Chuka spoke about his late father, her husband. He  deserved more much respect from Chuka; he had been a great father and husband and although, he did not support Chuka dropping out of his Master’s program to pursue his acting career, if it were not for his wealth and affluence, Chuka would not have been successful. She had pleaded on Chuka’s behalf even though she also did not think acting was a good idea, especially not after the money they had spent sending him to ivy-league schools in the states. She would caution Chuka, he had to stop this insolence...

The lady in red’s mind: She could barely concentrate; there was nothing new to her that he had said; the same old inspirational story of how everyone who became successful in life had struggles on the road. She had barely slept last night because she was helping her friend who was one of the event organisers to carry out final arrangements. She was so tired that tears rolled down her eyes. She wished he would stop talking so that the event would come to an end; his speech was too long and she needed to go home and catch some rest because she also had work to do tomorrow. If only she had known, she would not have sat at the front row so that she could easily leave the auditorium but her friend had specially reserved that seat for her. It was moments like this that made her wish that she could sleep with her eyes open...

“And so ladies and gentlemen, I hope that you have learned from my story that giving up is never an option. You must fight to achieve your goal in life! Thank you”

Loud applause and cheers followed again, with standing ovation from the audience and many people seemed thrilled. It was time for the reception and the after party, an opportunity to meet and chat with any of the eight speakers. People went after the speakers they were most interested in, with most of the young ladies closely following and fluttering around Chuka. The lady in red could not have been any happier to be freed at last; she glanced at her wristwatch, it was already 9pm. As she looked up, her eyes met with Chuka’s, he smiled and she smiled back confused as she was not sure if it was her that he was smiling at until he walked up to her. He had been attracted to her from the moment he saw her as he stood on the stage.

“Hi, I’m truly pleased that you found my speech today inspiring” he said with a confident smile. She raised her eyebrow and he laughed “Oh yes, I must confess that I saw the tears in your eyes. Don’t be shy; it’s okay for one to get emotional during such great talks.” It was her turn to laugh; she did it in a polite way nonetheless and because she did not want to lie to him nor be rude, she responded with a courteous smile “Of course! I’ll be sure to share my own version of your inspiring story.”

Don't forget to share please and comment. Have a beautiful week :)

IG: ugochiukah
twitter; @vivio_gogo

DREADED DIALOGUES: PART ONE

Hello Hi,

Last week, I decided to take a break. Really busy week; I'm always busy but last week, we also had FIFA world cup, lol. So I apologize to those of you that were looking forward to a post as some people actually buzzed me. Thank you so much for reading; you're the reason I hope to continue writing. And please click to like the google icon, share with your friends and colleagues and of course, drop your thoughts and comments here (always appreciated). Enjoy today's post :) :

In a restaurant on the Victoria Island, Lagos, sat a man and a lady having lunch at one of the tables with a window view. They are both elegantly dressed, sitting opposite each other and appear to be on a date. From the taint of grey on his beard, one would guess that the man is in his early forties and the lady due to her countenance, seems most likely in her mid twenties.

The man clears his throat and begins:

Man (smiling): You came in highly recommended, you know? So tell me a little bit about yourself.

Lady (laughs shyly): Kemi loves to exaggerate but I hope I meet your expectations. I just graduated from the University of Ilorin, I studied Fine Arts.

Man: Really? (He sounds surprised)

Lady: Yes, I did. So Kemi tells me that you are an Engineer. Do you love your job?

Man (smiles smugly): Why is every girl interested in my job and how much I earn?

Lady: But I didn’t ask...

Man (interrupts): It’s okay. I have to come to understand that most women are materialistic but not to worry, if I pick you at last you’ll get to know all my financial details or at least most (he says smilingly and winks).

(The Lady looks annoyed but says nothing and continues her meal)

Man: Sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I am a blunt person. That’s one of my charming personalities (he says with his mouth half filled with food).

Lady: Charming indeed (she says with a sarcastic tone and smiles)

A long pause follows as they continue their meal...

Man: So why is a beautiful lady like you still single? Is it by choice or by chance?

Lady: Well, I’d say a combination of both.

Man: How do you mean?

Lady: I choose to remain single because I have not yet had the chance to meet the man I want.

Man: Interesting; you must have high standards. I like that. Me too; I’m single because a lot of women these days are incomplete.

Lady (Raises an eye brow): Incomplete?

Man: Yes, incomplete. Many can’t cook properly, or are horrible in bed, or are not well educated. The few that can manage to cook are mostly gold diggers and don’t want to pay any bills.

Lady: So you’re looking for a woman who is well-educated, will cook for you, be great in bed and pay the bills?

Man: Not all the bills, at least half.

Lady: I see. And will you cook half of the time too?

Man: Why should a man cook when he’s married? What is a woman purpose in life? She was made to be a man’s helper.

Lady: A helper, yes; not a slave! I think it is incorrect for you to even think that those things are what define a woman.

Man: Well, I don’t see the big deal; my mum did all the cooking.

Lady: And my dad paid all the bills. (The lady sounds exasperated)

Man: Don’t try to insult me; I’m not your mate as you can see.

 (The lady opens her mouth to say something but changes her mind. Instead she takes out her phone from her bag and starts playing with it)

After another few minutes of awkward silence, the man continues:

Man: For how long have you been single?

Lady (Not looking up from her phone): For about two years now

Man: I can see why now. (The lady rolls her eyes and does not reply) So when last this you go out on a date?

Lady: About a month ago.

Man: And you did not go out with him anymore? (The lady nods) Why?

Lady: Because he came across as a very arrogant person to me.

Man: That must have been awful

Lady: Yes, it was awful. In fact, it was the worst date I had ever been on....Well, up until today.

The End

  

Thank you again and have a lovely week. Follow me on twitter @vivio_gogo and instagram @ugochiukah for more updates. Cheers.

IF ANYONE SLAPS YOU....

Hello hi,

Got a little story in my head so I wrote it down. Don't forget to leave your comments below please and share and like the post. Enjoy:-

The little boy untied his shoe lace, “Stop doing that!” his mother, the ‘white’ woman, said as she tried to tie the laces back. The boy continued, as if to punish his mother for something she may have done earlier. A ‘black’ lady sat next to them, trying hard to focus on the altar as the Pastor preached. The pastor was reading from the Holy Bible...”So in the olden days, it was an eye for an eye but now, if anyone hits you, turn the other side of your face so that they hit you again, He said ”. The congregation nodded with accordance. The cycle continued, with both mother and child frustrating one another. The black lady turned and smiled at them; it was her way of telling them that they had been noticed and so they should stop the disturbance. She wondered how the woman could tolerate such unnecessary stubbornness from the boy; in her time, she would not dare because her mother would spank her. Looking at the little boy, she could guess that he was at least up to seven years old. To her that was old enough for a little spanking but it was not in her place for her to teach his mother how to raise her children. Besides, they were in a country where such acts were deemed barbaric and the ‘culprit’ was wanted by the social workers.

The woman and her son were growing louder and becoming more distracting while the lady was getting exasperated. She could barely concentrate on the preaching, so she turned and shushed them with her index finger on her mouth. It was a reflex action and when she realised what she had done, she smiled again in a friendly way to cover up what may have been perceived as ‘rude’. The woman and her son went quiet for a while but being the little boy he was, he resumed the annoying activity once he felt that there was less pressure. His mother started threatening to punish him when they got home but that did not seem to work.  So she tried something different; this time she whispered to the boy “If you don’t stop, I will tell the black girl to strike you.” before turning to wink at the lady. The lady did not find the sentence funny but she smiled back anyway.  The boy seeing what had happened continued his act, with his mother whispering to him “You’re lucky that she probably does not understand English.”  The lady heard it but decided to ignore the statement again; anger beginning to fuel inside her.  As the little boy did not stop; his mother took it to the next level by tapping the lady and saying “Will you spank him please?” The lady obliged but in a different way; she slapped the woman.  

The slap was a resounding one, such that the pastor stopped the sermon for a moment and everybody turned to stare at them. The woman stumbled, from both the shock and pressure of the slap. When she had regained her balance, the lady whispered to her “I’m sorry if I misunderstood you. You know, my English is quite poor”. After minutes of silence and everything else seemed fine, the church resumed its order. The woman whispered to the lady angrily, “I will sue you for this, you won’t get away” and the lady replied “I’ll contest, for racist abuse.” This left the woman confused and in another state of shock.

This was the sort of attitude that Afaafa, the ‘black’ lady, encountered usually; so often that she wondered why people were so ignorant. Her mother had always warned her about her temper, telling her to endure people’s behaviour. Afaafa tried hard to control her temper but this time, she had to react. It was not just about this ‘white’ woman; last time, it was the Chinese woman who had accused her of stealing her phone. Afaafa had been taken by surprise especially as they were both in the changing room for equivalent time periods before going into the sauna and they also left the sauna room at the same time.  There had been many other ladies in the changing room but somehow, Afaafa must have looked like a thief to her. The moment the Chinese woman could not find her phone, she started pulling Afaafa and asking her to bring back the phone she had stolen. Embarrassed, Afaafa told her that she did not take it and after arguing with each other for half an hour, the administrator in charge was called in to settle the case.  It took him only a phone call, dialling the woman’s number, for them to realise that the woman had never brought it to the gym, after her husband had picked up the call from home. The Chinese woman had apologised to her but Afaafa refused to accept her apology.

The time before that, it was the British man who was amazed by her beauty and brain. He went on and on about how he had been to Africa and had never met anyone as gorgeous as she was.  At first, Afaafa took it as a compliment but the continuous flattering whenever she dressed up to go out with him for dinner, the constant look of awe on his face whenever she wrote and read from her stories, the regular reminder from him that she was not his usual type of girl but that he dated her because he was impressed with her level of education; she began to lose interest in him. Eventually, she broke up with him but not before asking him what part of Africa he had travelled to and his response was that he had visited Barbados once. Of course, she shook her head and left him in the restaurant.

Last summer, it had been the custom’s officer at the airport in her home country, Kenya. The man had flipped through her travel passport and asked her what she did in the USA. She told him that she was doing her post-doctoral research in English and Literature. It was then that the officer laughed long and hard and said it was a waste of time for anyone to study such a course, especially abroad. Afaafa retorted, telling him that his life was the ‘waste’, not her highly earned degree from King’s College, London. The officer would have locked her up if not for the intervention of her Uncle who was a top lawyer in the country and the apology letter that her mother had forced her to write to the officer.

So today, even though the pastor had been preaching about not retaliating, she had still slapped the woman.  In her defence, she was too distracted by them to have understood and digested his preaching.  For Afaafa, the slap was not just for the woman’s sin but for every ignorant person she had encountered recently, including her fellow Africans; unfortunately, the ‘white’ woman had been the Scape goat.

Have a beautiful week ahead :). Cheers! (IG - ugochiukah, twitter: @vivio_gogo)

HAPPY NEW MONTH!! --/ WHO SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED?

Hello hi,

Happy new month to everyone. I wish you what you wish yourself, according to God's will :). Today's story is inspired by a collection of thoughts, imaginations and experiences that make you wonder how one should feel in certain situations. So I wrote this up, please leave your comments behind; i'd really love to know what you really think when you read it...lol. Enjoy.

YOU WERE ON YOUR OWN, waiting for the power supply to be restored so that you could resume watching the “Note book” movie. You had been on holiday for the past 2 weeks, the most boring holiday you had ever had so far. Most of your friends had travelled out of the city and you could not get a job as no one would hire you for less than a month. You sat outside on the balcony, watching the lizards jump over the fence as the pigeons flew over the roof of your father’s house. Your phone began to ring; you contemplated picking it up as you saw his name and number. It was one of your persistent ‘chykers’ that you had no interest in dating but you picked up anyway because you were bored and not busy.

“Hey, what’s up?” You said

“Nothing much. Wanna hang out with me tomorrow?” he replied without asking how your day was going,

“I’m not sure that I will be free tomorrow but I will check my schedule and let you know by then” you answered, even though you knew that tomorrow would not be any different from today and you would be just as free as you are today.

“F**k your schedule, let’s just meet tomorrow”

“Please stop swearing! You know that I hate foul language” you answered, pissed off.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to but you were saying sh*t about schedule”

“You just did it again” you said.

“Did what? Saying ‘sh*t’ is not swearing” he said, sounding genuinely confused.

That was one of the things you did not like about him besides his smoking and drinking habits; he cursed so much that sometimes he did not even realise when he did it.

“So what do you say?” he continued “Can I come pick you up tomorrow?”

“I said I don’t know yet. Besides I can’t stay out too late” you replied

“That should not be a problem; I get off work early tomorrow so I should be free by 1pm. I could come get you by then and we can go somewhere”

“Ok then, till tomorrow. I have to go now; I’ve got something cooking on the stove” you lied about the cooking because the power supply had just come back on.

“Ok then, see you tomorrow. Bye-Bye” he said

“Bye” you responded inattentively and continued watching the movie.

The next morning, the power had been cut off again; apparently this was not unusual in your country but that did not mean that you liked it either or that you would ever get used to it. You had made up your mind to go out with him that afternoon so you sent a text asking him to meet you at a nearby fast-food restaurant by 2pm. “Good, I would be hungry by then, see you at 2. Ps: my lunch is on your headJ” his text response read. You laughed and replied “Mine is on your head and body”.

You left the house at half past one in the afternoon so that you could be there on time as you hated that phrase “African time”. Impressively, he was already there waiting for you. After exchanging pleasantries, both of you sat and started conversing; half of your time you spent reminding him to stop cursing and half of his, he spent apologising to you. After thirty minutes of what seemed to be a futile dialogue between two of you, you were beginning to feel uncomfortable because none of you had had placed an order for drinks or food. You sensed that the waiters at the counter were watching you, although that might have just been in your head. “Shouldn’t we order something to drink?” you asked him; “I was just about to say that” he said. You did not say anything even though you thought he was lying and you stood up with him to go place the order at the counter.

“What would like to have, Madam?” the waitress asked you, “A bottle of water and a meat-pie please”. He turned to look at you “Is that all you’re going to eat?” he asked surprised. You smiled and nodded, saying that you were not very hungry. He shrugged and placed his order – fried rice, chicken, plaintain, moi-moi and a pack of juice. ‘He must have been starving’, you thought to yourself. The waitress told him that your bill together was 5,000 Naira. He turned to look at you smiling and you smiled back, not sure about what was going on until he asked you to pay. You hid your surprise and took out 1000 Naira from your purse, your mum had given it to you earlier to use to get her call credit (thank God for vex money and that you had not ask for too much food; at least your bill alone was 700 Naira).  You gave the waitress your money, avoiding eye contact with him. She asked if both of you were paying separately to which you replied ‘Yes’. “What about me? I thought we agreed that you would pay for my lunch” he said. “Are you serious?” you asked him, wondering what sort of joke this was. “Of course I’m serious. I don’t have any money with me” he said while the warmed up already-prepared-food was brought by another waiter to the counter. After minute of awkward silence, the waitress said to him “Oga please pay. People are waiting on the queue”. “Did you not hear me? I said I don’t have any money” he responded, almost shouting. “I don’t have money for you either” you answered, now beginning to feel like he was pushing this joke too far. “In that case, sorry we can’t have the food” he said to the waitress and left the counter, going back to sit at the table. You went to meet him at the table and told him you were going home. While you were speaking to him, the restaurant manager came to ask him if there had been any problem with the food or the service. “No sir, it’s just personal” he responded with no glimpse of remorse. ‘Just personal’, you could not understand him. However you apologised to the manager and left the place with your head bowed down.

He ran after you, walking along with you while you ignored him. After minutes of silence, he dared to say to you “I hope you didn’t feel embarrassed in there. In my defence, I told you beforehand that my food was on your head” You stopped abruptly, anger boiling inside your head veins before you turned to him and screamed “I told you that mine was on your whole body. Now please stop following me!” As you continued your walk home, what shocked you the most was how calm he had looked the entire time, no portray of shame or guilt, no feeling of embarrassment whatsoever; meanwhile you felt so much shame and embarrassment such that you knew you would not be visiting that restaurant in a long time. It made you wonder if he lacked dignity or self-pride or whether you were just over-reacting. And so you asked yourself- ‘Who really should be embarrassed; you, him, none of you or both of you?’

Have a lovely week ahead, don't forget to like and share with your friends. xx (Twitter: @vivio_gogo, instagram: ugochiukah)

TWISTED

Hello everyone,

The past two weeks posts had hilarious comments, go check them out if you didn't see them. Anyway, today's post was inspired by someone I once came across; which made me realise how different people may view things. Enjoy:-

It started as rumbles but it rose to troubles

The voices in her head, at first one becoming multiple

They seemed like a legion for they were many

Like barbarians talking in thousands.

“Jump”!, one said; “no, dance instead” another would say

She could not figure them out really

Was it the voice of the superior or the curse of the evil one?

Sometimes they made her lose her way or stand still in the middle of nowhere.

She told her mother, about her new companions

“Possessed”! The woman screamed, “We shall call the holy one”

She was starved for days, isolated for weeks

Whips were used; chains were bought for her deliverance.

She could take no more so she ran away from home

She went far away and found new shelter close to the canal

Until she was picked up by a stranger, whom she told her story in tears

“Ah, Schizophrenia”! The stranger exclaimed, before saying he was a psychiatrist.

As usual, feel free to comment, share and like the post; also follow me on twitter @vivio_gogo. Have a great week and please take care of your mental and physical health. Cheers!

THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE? PART TWO (A GUY'S PERSPECTIVE)

Hello Hi,

After last week's post, a male friend of mine wrote a response. So I'm sharing it so that you can tell me what y'all think. I would have included his name but he chooses to rename anonymous. Anyway, I think he was referring to me in his first line because of my love for Thor but he denied it; oh well :). Here it is, enjoy:-

“The one” that told you that how much she disliked impromptu wooing

Only for you to see her swoon at the sight of a Chris Hemworth look-alike or

 “The one” that told you that she was in a ‘relationship’

Only for you to realise, that was bait for you to bite on! (Genetic liars)

“The one” that kissed you all evening outside in the rain

And broke up with you the next day after a few words from a Hinduja scion.

“The one” that dated you for almost three years

Then said she could not marry you because you were not ready??! (Cold ladies)

“The one” that looked into your eyes and said you were the love of her life

And barely a week after told you that she was still in love with her ex in Miami or

“The one” that called off the relationship to return to her true love (her ex)

And sent you a text weeks later saying ‘You should have fought for me’ (The sheer bravado!)

“The one” that told you that she was a virgin

And then, you found out that she was quite ‘experienced’ in the art

“The one” that intrigued you when she told you she doesn’t give out her number

Only for her to drop it unsolicited on the dinner table of an Exxon executive...! (Evil women)

“The one” that screwed your frontal cortex sideways with kama sutra

And then pointedly said she wanted an oil magnate as a husband

“The one” that whispered honey suckle entreaties into your ears all night long

But drew a Remington shotgun on you when you balked at the idea of marriage (Mean babes)

“The one” who always prepared dinner for two whenever you visited

And after marriage said she didn’t come in as a cooking slave and a hired cook would do

 “The one” constantly railing against your profligacy when spending for her

Only to present a bride price list worth your father’s fortune as a sign you love her (Sharp girls)

“The one” that told you god blessed her with a Range Rover sport

Of course! Though only as a result of the exponential returns of her bottom power

“The one” who borrowed money from you to sow a seed in her parish

And bought 2 plots of land in a highbrow estate the following week (dia ris god oo)

“The one” who never gave you any thought much less her time

And suddenly warms up to you days to her birthday (Ha choro i ri ghi)

Finally, “the ones” that would read this and sneer at the writer

Because they know they are guilty of most (Blessed be all women)

lol! Don't forget to share your comments and like this page please; also follow me on twitter @vivio_gogo. Have a lovely week.